I was once married. After 7 years of marriage, I found myself divorced, single again. It was one of the most difficult positions I have ever found myself. My ex-wife did not die, but rejected me. To this day, I still do not understand why she "never loved me"! It would have been easier had she died, because it would not have been a rejection like divorce is... it is the gift from hell that keeps giving and giving and giving. What I mean is, when people say that a divorce is amicable, they are kidding themselves! It is about rejection! In death, there is no rejection, except when it is a suicide... But in divorce, you are saying "I don't love you"! You are saying that you were wrong when you said "til death do us part"! Maybe the one leaving has a little bit more self dignity, but the one who is left to pick up their life again... it takes months, if not years to recover.
I went into counseling after my divorce. Partly to find out what was it that caused the divorce, and part to find some kind of way to get out from the dark place the divorce left me in... It did help...
Skip ahead a year later, I started looking at these websites, relationship.com (now christianmingle.com), eharmony.com, and what I felt was the most promising cacheconnections.com. I very quickly found out that if I let it, I would get inundated with many people to look at from christianmingle or eharmony... and I started to look how I would deal with people if I were in a single's group. I would not just bounce around to all of the women, but once I felt like I might have found someone, I would try and become exclusive with them until I eliminated them as a person. Applying this same methodology to these sites really helped. I would allow some emailing and maybe a couple of phone calls until I found someone I felt like they might be a good match.
After a couple of months of this, I found myself in a relationship, which lasted 4 years. I wanted it to go to marriage, but without going into much detail, it was not going to happen. During this time, my mother has passed, and my dad is dating a woman from church, and here I am, alone again!
I feel the same as I did with my divorce. I feel rejected. I loved the last woman, but to no avail, she could not love or trust me enough to commit to marriage with me.
I feel like Chuck Noland (Tom Hanks) on Cast Away, to be "Cast Away" the first time, and then the tide brought in a sail in the tide, to get me off the island that I was "Cast Away". But now, 4 years later, I have lost all over again! I am now 53 years old, no offspring, all of my friends and family have children and/or mates. And now, I cannot see the horizon. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, all I know is I am alone again!
I know, to borrow from Cast Away, "who know what the tide could bring in?" And at the end of the movie, with that cute red-headed girl driving off in her pickup, you felt like that was the tide. But, I don't see anything promising... there is no pickup, there is no cute red-headed woman... not that I like or dislike redheads anyway...
I feel like my uncle Pat. My whole life, my mom and dad were married, a wonderful present. But my mom's brother never married. My grandfather, his father died when he was around 12-13, when my mom was in college. My uncle never got over that.. that my grandmother had to go work to provide for the two of them... but he never married... oh, he had a few girlfriends, but never got married... and then died in the late 90's. I don't want to end up like my uncle!
God help me to sit and wait and trust that you will eventually bring (a sail) the right one, to both enhance my life and help me bring you more glory than I can by myself!
